Inner thoughts...bad night

Well it's been a pretty bad day/night once again...those of you that know how Jim's health is know that it's been bad and getting worse.....well he consistently is in pain to the point of where he's throwing up from it....he hardly ever eats anything because it causes him pain for days on end and he doesn't (which I don't either) trust the doctors here but then he won't call any other doctors and will definitely not go into the hospital because he thinks/knows he will never come back out and will end up dying there. I'm getting to a point that I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this...I have always known he has bad health issues and I have known for the last 16 years that this stuff was coming and I really thought I was/would be prepared for it but it's actually a lot harder than I ever thought it would be......I think a lot of it has to do with his attitude towards it all...he won't get any help because he's so afraid but I just can't help him any more than I have been and it's just not enough...he can't sleep at night which in turn keeps me awake all night trying to help him with his pain and at least try to comfort him somehow..........it's really starting to wear on me, which sounds really selfish but it's my real feelings........I guess sometimes it just helps to put it all down on paper here in a sense........ok done venting now......I feel a little better I think......I really hate this stuff sometimes I wonder why I'm being punished like this......I really shouldn't feel this way....how terrible is that, what a bad selfish person I am......when he's actually the one being punished with all these health issues!